Chris Voss on How to Succeed at Hard Conversations

This week we've distilled Huberman's episode with Chris Voss on How to Succeed at Hard Conversations.

Chris Voss is a former FBI agent and lead crisis negotiator. He's taught negotiation courses at Harvard, Georgetown, and the University of Southern California.

In this episode he covers how to hold difficult conversations and seek optimal outcomes - in business, relationships (romantic, familial, work), etc.

All takeaways and protocols are databased & searchable on Human3 Wiki.

Tools for Hard Conversations

Playfulness + Good Mood

• Being in a good mood & using playfulness can be a powerful tool in negotiation

  • It can disarm people and make them more willing to cooperate

• The negotiator can use self-talk to shift their mindset, ie viewing a difficult negotiation as a “luxury problem” or feeling lucky to be in a challenging negotiation

Late Night Radio DJ Voice

• The “late night Radio DJ voice” is used to calm both the negotiator and the other party

  • This voice can help to reduce negative emotions and improve the ability to process information

• Low frequency sounds, like a calm, deep voice, can have a calming effect on the listener’s brain

  • This is because the neurons in the listener’s brain fire at a low frequency in response to the low frequency sound 

• This response is involuntary and cannot be overridden -- listener's emotional state can be influenced by the speaker's voice

Mirroring

• Mirroring is a simple, easy, and effective skill in communication

  • It involves repeating one to three words of what someone has just said

  • It’s not about mimicking body language or tone of voice 

• Mirroring can be used to get someone to expand on a point, to get them to hear themselves out loud, or to help them regain their train of thought

  • It’s effective in getting people to feel heard

Self Perception and Communication

• Our auditory system cancels out the hearing of our own voice

  • We don’t hear ourselves speak the same way we hear others speak

  • This is an active neurochemical inhibition of the response

  • We actively shut down our response to self within the brain - including our own voice, breathing, heartbeat

• Hearing back what we’ve said allows us to actually hear what we just said
  

  • This is why people sometimes need a sounding board to hear themselves out

'Sounds Like'

• Using “sounds like” as an opener can improve communication

• Encourages listening and understanding of others’ perspectives

• Could be a powerful tool if taught to children at a young age 

Generosity + Rapport

• Generosity is a powerful tool in establishing rapport

  • Offering something valuable with no strings attached can build trust

  • This approach is often used by successful people 

• The principle of reciprocity is important in negotiation

  • If you give something, people are more likely to give back

  • This can be used to establish a long-term relationship

The Impact of Rapport in Medical Advice

• Building rapport with patients can lead to better health outcomes

  • Shared interests can create a bridge for patients to be more open to health advice

  • Data supports the importance of rapport in patient compliance 

• People are more likely to follow the medical and health advice of doctors they can relate to

  • This can include doctors they aspire to be like or those they share a common rapport with 

Effective Communication in Difficult Situations

• Use direct and succinct communication to get one point across

• Avoid over-explaining or including too much information in a single message

• This approach can prevent miscommunication and misunderstanding

• Soften the tone of messages to avoid coming off as cold or harsh

• Prepare the recipient for bad news by warning them beforehand

• This allows them to brace themselves and enter problem-solving mode

Negotiation Strategies

Small stakes practice for high stakes results

• Regularly practicing negotiation skills in low-stakes situations can prepare you for high-stakes negotiations

• Examples: talking to Lyft drivers, TSA agents, grocery store clerks, etc.

Trying to leave positive karma in your wake

• Aim to leave people better than you found them

Readiness + Prepping for Negotiations

• Being ready for real-life circumstances is important

  • Negotiations often come without warning

  • It’s important to be prepared to respond at any time

• It’s important to diagnose early on whether the other party is trustworthy or difficult

• Determine whether a deal is possible or if it’s a bad deal to avoid wasting time

Lies, Truth, and The Gut

Telling Lies from Truth

• After talking to someone for a long time, you can learn what they sound like when they’re telling the truth

• Use this knowledge to gauge the truthfulness of their promises

• Some people may have a physical response to lying

The Gut + Subconscious

• The gut is highly accurate and can be fed by various inputs, including olfactory cues and pheromones

• The gut can pick up on energy and cues that science has yet to discover

• The gut can detect discrepancies between tone of voice and words, head tilt, and other non-verbal cues

• The gut can pick up on cues even when we are not consciously aware of them

• Humans may have the ability to detect magnetic fields, a phenomenon known as magnetoreception

• Listening to the same story can cause the distance between heartbeats to align in different individuals, even if they are in separate rooms

• The subconscious is considered the supercomputer of the brain, where most knowledge processing occurs

• The subconscious can be tapped into for meaningful information

Handling Breakups and Terminations

The most humane approach is to bring the situation to a conclusion as quickly as possible

• This allows the person to start moving on and looking for new opportunities 

• Most people have a sense when a termination or breakup is coming

• If firing someone, do it on a Monday rather than a Friday

  • This gives the person a full work week to start looking for new opportunities and working through the situation.

If you have to deliver bad news, warn the person it’s coming and then deliver it quickly

• This allows them to brace themselves for the impact

• Avoid trying to soften the blow with pleasantries or small talk

Online Scams and Negotiation

It’s important not to immediately give in to the demands of the scammer

• There’s no guarantee they will return the account after payment

• They may ask for more money after the initial payment (“double dip”)

• To avoid being scammed, it’s important to verify the scammer’s ability to carry out their threat

• Scammers often try to create a sense of urgency to pressure victims into making mistakes - can be a red flag indicating a potential scam

•  In negotiations, the other party will often feel satisfied when they believe they’ve gotten everything they could

  • This is true even if they haven’t actually gotten everything

  • The goal is to make them feel this way sooner to reach a resolution

Legal Probing

Legal professionals often use probing to determine if someone is willing to pay to avoid a lawsuit

• This can involve scaring the person with the potential consequences of a lawsuit

• It’s important to determine if the threat of a lawsuit is real or just “puffery”

  • This involves assessing the seriousness of the claim and the likelihood of a lawsuit actually being filed 

• “How” and “what” questions cause deep, slow thinking

  • The reaction to these questions can give a clearer picture of who you’re dealing with

  • The answer is secondary to the reaction

Dealing with Aggressive Negotiators

• Use passive aggression to slow down and wear out aggressive negotiators

  • Ask “how” and “what” questions to tire them out

  • This approach is deferential and effective 

• The goal is to slow things down, fatigue the aggressor, and get them to relent or reveal a loophole

• Ask legitimate questions to get the aggressor to talk about the alternative 

  • Example: “How do I know you’re going to follow through?”

• If the aggressor can’t answer questions about what compliance looks like, they likely have no plans to comply

  • If they can’t answer, ask “how am I supposed to pay you if you don’t have any plans for complying?” 

Fireside: A New Social Media Platform

Fireside is an interactive podcast and a subscription service founded by Fallon Fatimi and Mark Cuban

• Provides weekly interactive group coaching

• Allows users to ask questions and interact directly with experts

• Useful for people looking to improve their negotiation skills or other areas of personal development